


All We Do Is Drive (All We Do Is Think About the Feelings That We Hide)

by guciroxie



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Second Kiss, post-citadel dlc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-19 01:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29499525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guciroxie/pseuds/guciroxie
Summary: Kissing him would be the worst mistake she could ever make. He was her best friend; he was her person. Ruining that by letting her feelings show would destroy her, and she was barely clinging onto sanity as it was.But there he was, the last person it could have been, sitting with his head pressed down not-so-gently on the bar. Shepard’s stomach flipped, and it had nothing to do with her hangover.
Relationships: Jeff "Joker" Moreau/Female Shepard
Kudos: 11





	All We Do Is Drive (All We Do Is Think About the Feelings That We Hide)

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my lovely beta Marie. You are the light of my life.

She woke up with a headache, which was expected, and the memory of someone else’s lips on hers, which was decidedly not. She also woke up to the smell of someone cooking, which was also not expected, but it was definitely appreciated. 

Rubbing her fingers across her lips, she tried to think harder about who it might have been that she kissed last night. It was definitely someone with soft lips, which ruled out a not so insignificant portion of last night’s party guests. Really, it only left the humans or the asari. If only there were fewer of them around, then she might have an easier time of it. But everyone who had ever been on her crew and who was still alive had shown up to party like it was the last night of the galaxy, and she could certainly see herself kissing any one of them and enjoying it.

Part of her wanted to just stay in bed; it would be easier than getting up and facing the knowing glances of anyone with a complete memory of last night’s events. But Commander Jane Shepard had never been a coward, and she wasn’t going to start now. So with a groan, she rolled out of the almost disgustingly comfortable bed, threw on the first pair of pants she saw (not bothering to change out of the tank top she had slept in, it wasn’t like there was anyone here who hadn’t seen her look worse), and groggily left the room.

At least, looking around at the various couches, it seemed no one had fared too much better than her. Well, except Samara, who she could see out of the corner of her eye was over by some plants meditating. Could it have been Samara she kissed last night? It was possible, the thought had crossed Shepard’s mind before, but Samara tended to shy away from romantic engagements, and she couldn’t see that changing just because of some alcohol.

The headache was getting stronger. At the very least, she could be pretty sure she wasn’t a homewrecker. The only people at the party who were in committed relationships were Tali and Garrus, who were already crossed off the suspect list, and Jacob, who Shepard had never really been interested in anyway. Besides, no amount of alcohol would have made Shepard betray some pregnant stranger and Kasumi, both of whom would have been pretty upset with her.

There was also Traynor, who was in a committed flirtation with EDI, but they had been inseparable last night, so it probably wasn’t her either.

Making her way downstairs to the kitchen, she could hear something sizzling on the stove. Her body went to war with itself, her mouth salivating at the same time her stomach turned over. Well, if she was going to throw up, she at least wanted something in her stomach.

It was James standing there, loudly asking everyone in the apartment if they wanted eggs. She heard him listing off people, yelling to them if they weren’t in the room. He was just asking where Joker was when Shepard walked into the downstairs guest bedroom to see Jack and Jacob both working out. Even just looking at them made her headache feel worse, something Jack picked up on right away as she started teasing the commander. 

At the very least, based on the lack of more sexually-charged teasing, Shepard could rule out Jack as a possibility. That was probably for the best. Jack needs more commitment than a drunken first kiss; not to mention that with how protective Shepard is of her biotic friend, she would be hugely mad at herself for starting something that way.

She made her way into the kitchen, only to be greeted by James asking her if she wanted eggs. She considered, and landed on a yes, news which seemed to make James unreasonably happy. Shepard ignored Grunt’s complaining and looked around the room. Three possible suspects were in there: James, Miranda, and Kaiden. Miranda wouldn’t have kissed her, at least she didn’t think so; alcohol can make things like sexual orientation matter less, but Miranda seemed like the type of person to have experimented in the past and be pretty sure of herself.

James was also unlikely, if his reaction to her calling him on his flirting a while back was any indication, she figured that he’d be pretty awkward around her if anything had happened. 

And Kaiden … was staring at her. Shepard nervously brushed her hand through her messy hair in response, but his gaze wasn’t any different than the usual pining. Kissing Kaiden wasn’t just a possibility, it was almost likely, but, well … If Shepard had given him any indication that his unrequited feelings were returned after all, he’d probably be glued to her side. So while she couldn’t rule him out entirely, she was comfortable looking for other answers.

She scanned through her rolodex of ground team members. Who else was left? Liara, Kasumi, oh god —Zaeed. No, she wouldn’t have kissed Zaeed, even the thought increased her nausea twofold. Cortez was another impossibility; although it would make her life easier if it had been him. Awkward, yes, but no possibility of real feelings between them, which is always nice.

Since she was waiting for her eggs anyway, Shepard went back upstairs to where Liara was sitting on the couch, peaceful and quiet. Shepard sat next to her in silence for a moment, before deciding to just bite the bullet. Garrus had been sitting across the table earlier, but with him now in the guest room comforting a very hungover Tali, it was just the two of them. And they had been friends a long time, there would be some teasing either way to be sure, but at the end of the day, Shepard trusted Liara with her life … and her secrets. 

Grimacing slightly, she croaked out, “Did we kiss last night?” The question didn’t come out as strongly as she would have liked, her voice tired from disuse, having not spoken yet that morning. 

Liara chuckled. “I feel like I should be offended by that question.”

“Li,” Shepard said quietly, almost pleading.

Liara reached over and grabbed the commander’s hand. “No, Jane. And I’d like to think that if we had decided to reignite anything, you’d remember.”

Shepard sighed, but whether it was in relief or disappointment, she couldn’t be sure. She turned her hand over to better reciprocate the friendly gesture. “Sorry.”

“Does this mean you kissed someone last night?”

“I think so. I mean, I’m pretty sure, I just don’t know who it would have been.”

“I know who,” came a cocky voice from nowhere.

Scanning the room, and noticing the slight glimmer that came from poorly refracted light, only noticeable with significant amounts of practice, Shepard locked eyes on where the voice came from. “Was it you?”

Kasumi lifted the cloaking mechanism on her suit with a chuckle. “You wish.” Her hood still covered her face, but if she wasn’t winking, Shepard would eat her uniform hat.

Shepard just groaned, throwing her head back on the couch, and Kasumi laughed again, vanishing into her preferred state of invisibility.

“So she’s not going to tell you, then?”

Shepard lifted her head to raise her eyebrows at Liara incredulously. “Kasumi? Nah, she lives to torture me.”

There was another chuckle from the air at the edge of the room, and Separd felt pretty confident in thinking Kasumi was gonna hang around to watch Shepard suffer.

She heard James call for her from the kitchen, letting her know her eggs were ready, and Liara squeezed her hand tightly before letting it go. Shepard walked down the stairs slowly, thinking it all through. She was out of candidates, wasn’t she? She grabbed her plate from Vega and decided to eat it at the bar. She had crossed all of the ground team members off her list, and even considered her shuttle pilot. Who else …

She froze as she crossed the divider into the bar area.

No. She wouldn’t have. But he was the only one left … It was the worst possible person, after all there were real feelings there. Unrequited, long-term, pining-type feelings. The kind of feelings that she had buried deep underneath a large pile of friendship and humor a long time ago. The kind of feelings that were reinforced every time he stood beside or behind her without question, every time he saved her life and teased her about it, every time she woke from a nightmare and found comfort sitting next to him in the silence of the almost empty bridge. 

Kissing him would be the worst mistake she could ever make. He was her best friend; he was her person. Ruining that by letting her feelings show would destroy her, and she was barely clinging onto sanity as it was.

But there he was, the last person it could have been, sitting with his head pressed down not-so-gently on the bar. Shepard’s stomach flipped, and it had nothing to do with her hangover.

She had two choices here. He hadn’t noticed her yet, so she could run away and hide, wait until enough time had passed that she felt less awkward about it, and then see if their friendship could be salvaged. Or she could gather up her courage, and sit down at the bar next to him, and deal with this like the decorated military personnel she was. Hell, she had stood face to face with a reaper multiple times! She could handle one surly pilot.

Or maybe she couldn’t. Chickening out, she started to back away quietly, only to run into someone immediately. Feeling hands gripping her upper arms, and breath on her ear, she knew right away who was preventing her from running.

“Uh uh, Commander,” came the gravelly voice of the galaxy’s greatest thief, confirming Shepard’s suspicions. “Can’t back out now.”

So, with her options seemingly whittled down to one, Shepard gritted her teeth and marched forward, gently setting her plate on the bar next to the groaning Joker.

His face was still pressed against the bar, so she knew it was likely that he didn’t know it was her sitting next to him. Once again, her suspicions were confirmed when she let out a soft, “morning” and he jolted to a sitting position so fast she was worried he was going to topple off the back of his bar stool.

He just stared at her for a moment, and she knew just by the look in his eyes that he remembered what had happened between them last night far better than she did. She broke eye contact first, looking at her plate to scoop up a bit of egg.

He swallowed, took a breath, and grinned his trademark sardonic smile, although it didn’t reach his eyes. The air between them was tense, and Shepard was just a little worried that she might cry.

“Hey, Commander.” He hadn’t called her that outside the line of duty in a very long time. Crying was becoming more and more of a possibility. “Hell of a night.”

She just kept her gaze on her eggs and hummed in response.

“I’ve managed not to throw up so far. Feeling pretty good about that.” She gripped her fork a little harder at the forced congeniality in his tone. She knew she needed to say something. He was too important to her, she couldn’t lose him. Not now. Not ever. But her tongue was heavy and she couldn’t think of anything to say, and usually in these types of situations she would end up saying something so extremely wrong and her biggest fear was making this worse and —

“Those look good.” He interrupted her inner ramblings carefully. “Maybe I should go and …” He started to gingerly lower himself from the stool, and Separd knew that if she didn’t stop him, they would never be the same. She could feel Kasumi’s eyes on her, and she could feel Joker’s eyes avoiding her.

Fuck. Her time was running out. Joker had one foot on the ground. Well, she figured, at least she couldn’t really make this any worse, he was already slipping away, she might as well be brutally honest.

“I don’t …” She gulped and Joker paused. “I don’t really remember what all happened last night.” She looked at Joker just in time to see him reach up and situate his hat further over his eyes. Shit, that was a bad way to start. She reached out and grabbed his forearm gently, silently requesting him to look at her. Once he did, she continued. “But I’d like to.”

He sighed and sat back down on the stool. “Jane …” he started, sounding more stressed than she’d ever heard him before.

He opened his mouth to continue, but suddenly there was a loud startled sound coming from the couch behind them. Shepard turned quickly, hand reaching for a holster she wasn’t even wearing, but relaxed when she realized it was just Wrex finally waking up. She hadn’t even noticed him lying there, her focus so singularly drawn to the man next to her.

Wrex was still groggy, stretching and making some god-awful noises as his armor plates rubbed against each other. Looking back to Joker, Shepard murmured, “Maybe we should move this somewhere where we can close a door?”

Joker nodded, and they both stood to leave. Her first thought was her bedroom, except Javik was still sitting on the floor discussing total galactic domination, and that was not a conversation she wanted to deal with at that moment. Besides, once they had gotten to the stairs, Joker groaned again, and without needing to say anything, Shepard knew he wouldn’t be able to make it both up and down those stairs and still have the mental capacity for a serious conversation. So she tugged on his hand and led him slowly down the hallway to the office.

Shooing Traynor out of the room was easy, one mention that EDI was looking for her, and a responding blush from the communications officer was all it took to get the room to themselves. Well, almost to themselves. 

“Kas. Out.” Shepard commanded, her hand on the door close button.

“Aw. You’re no fun.” Kasumi responded, uncloaking and walking out of the room, doing it visibly so Shepard would know she was following orders. 

And then they were alone. They had spent plenty of time alone over the past few years, but never before had Shepard been so singularly terrified. 

“So.” She started, really not sure where to go from there.

Joker glanced around for a second before gesturing over to the seats behind him. “I think I need to be sitting for this conversation.”

She followed him over and sat in the chair next to him, turning to meet his gaze. Forcing a smirk she joked weakly, “That bad, huh?”

He didn’t respond. 

They were silent again, a knot forming slowly but steadily building in size in her gut.

He was the one to break it, by pushing the weight of the conversation further onto her. “So what do you remember?”

Honesty. That was what she needed to use, right? “I remember kissing you. Why do I remember kissing you?"

Joker rolled his eyes, a fond gesture that did wonders at making Shepard feel more at ease. And with his teasing, “Probably because we kissed,” she finally felt her feet under her again. She was able to hold onto that feeling, though just barely, when Joker's face shifted back to being uncomfortable. “Although,” he started, reaching up to resituate his hat, a clear tell of his nervousness. “You aren't exactly right.” He cleared his throat, stalling for time. “Technically speaking, I kissed you”

Oh. But that might mean …

“We were sitting at the bar, everyone else was either already passed out or playing cards over in the dining room area. And we were talking, and drinking, and —” He gestured grandly in lue of actually explaining, but Shepard was still lingering on the implications of him being the one to kiss her, and she wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easily.

“And what?”

Joker sighed, rubbing his hand over his eyes and knocking his cap askew. He didn’t even seem to notice, which was almost worrying, but then he started talking again and she forgot about it too. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Shep. We were drinking, and it was late, and it was just us, and, fuck, I’ve been trying to keep myself from kissing you since Ilos at least. And then there you were, choosing to sit with me instead of crushing at Skyllian Five even though for some reason you get better at that game the more you drink, and you were laughing at some dumb joke I said, and it was just all too much, OK?”

He glanced up at Shepard, seemingly mid-rant, but as soon as he met her gaze and saw the smile gleaming at him, all of the words left his throat.

“Since Ilos?”

“If not earlier,” he said hesitantly, wary of letting his hopes get raised again, but there were only so many ways to interpret the way she was looking at him. Shepard nodded slowly, still grinning. “Um, Shep, can you say something please? I’m going a little crazy over here.”

“Sorry, Joker, I was just thinking over some moments in our past with this new filter. A lot of missed chances there, huh? I mean, maybe not Ilos, it took me a bit longer to figure it out. But —”

“Figure it out?” Joker interrupted, suddenly sitting up straighter, voice filled with urgency. “Figure what out?”

“How I felt about you, obviously. Keep up, Joke,” she responded with a quiet laugh.

“And,” Joker started, voice still urgent but colored by nerves, “how do you feel about me?”

Shepard laughed again and moved to kneel in front of Joker’s chair. Looking up at him and meeting his gaze under the shadow of his brim, Shepard forgot about her hangover entirely. In fact, all of the cares that had been weighing on her, the entire fate of the galaxy faded away as she reached up to cup his cheek and pull his face down to hers.

She had woken up with the vague memory of lips on hers, but the real thing was incomparable. It was a culmination of every moment, every conversation they had had with only the vacuum of space to hear them. It even made her poetic, apparently, which was almost embarrassing even just in her own head.

It was only a second before Joker responded, which made everything so much more. He ran one hand through her hair to hold onto the back of her head, keeping her close to him. After a minute, he let out a quiet groan, which at first Shepard felt flattered about, before she realized it was an uncomfortable groan because he had been slouched over for too long and his bones were bothering him. Almost as if they shared one thought, Shepard moved up just as Joker started to pull her, ending up so she was gently sitting in his lap, careful not to hurt him.

Time slipped past them, in their own little bubble as they were, so it was a big shock when suddenly someone was clearing their throat just over Shepard’s shoulder. She pulled herself away from Joker, and turned her head, unwilling to unwrap her arms from around his neck.

It was Cortez standing there, a smirk on his face that told her there was absolutely no chance of anyone leaving this apartment without hearing this new piece of gossip.

“Did you need something?” Shepard asked, not even trying to hide her annoyance.

“Just wanted to let you know people have been looking for you. I think some of them need to catch a ship back to their postings. You know, because of the war?”

“War?” Joker asked, a little breathless, but still probably joking.

Shepard turned back to him to share in a grin. “Alright,” she said, resigned. “We’ll be right out.”

“Mmmhmm.” Cortez said, with an attitude that clearly said he didn’t believe her. “Just know that if you don’t I can’t promise to keep other people from walking in here.”

“You can say that again.”

Shepard threw her head back, groaning. “Kasumi. Privacy. Get out.”

She uncloaked only for Cortez to grab her by the shoulders and walk her out of the room. “I mean it, Commander. Wrap it up in here.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Joker muttered under his breath.

Shepard laughed freely and ran her hand through his uncovered hair. “What happened to your hat?”

“I don’t know, what’d you do with it? You’re the one who took it off me.”

“I did?”

Joker rolled his eyes fondly. “Is our entire relationship going to be affected by your memory problems?”

Shepard brushed her knuckles down Joker’s cheek. “Relationship?”

“Damn straight, Commander. You think I’m just going to let you go? You’re stuck with me now.”

Shepard searched his eyes, and seeing only the truth she whispered, “good” before leaning in to kiss him again. 

Their lips brushed once, the twice, but just before they met for a third time there was a pounding on the door. “Shepard! Put your clothes on and get your ass out here before I yank this door right out of the wall.”

Shepard groaned and rested her forehead on Joker’s. “I just got this apartment; if you break it I break you, Jack.” She could hear the convict-turned-teacher laugh from the other side of the door, but she knew the other woman never made idle threats and if she didn’t get out there now, the door really would be destroyed.

Standing up, Shepard offered her hand to the man she had failed to keep herself from loving. Once he was standing, Shepard reached down to scoop up his cap and firmly push it onto his head.

“You know they’ll never let us live this down, right?” he asked, fixing his cap, which Shepard hadn’t even tried to put on him correctly.

“Oh yeah,” she responded. “Hell, I’d rather face the reapers then whatever is waiting for us out there.”

Joker grabbed her hand again. “Don’t worry, Commander. I’ll protect you.”

She leaned over and kissed him again, gently. “You always do.”


End file.
